


A Letter to My Sun

by eunirodillo



Category: GMMTV
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2019-12-18 16:45:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18253862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eunirodillo/pseuds/eunirodillo
Summary: Newwee writes down the things he doesn't have the courage to say to Tay.





	1. Chapter 1

To My Sun,

The past few weeks has been a rough one for both of us. A whirlwind of emotions and at times near crippling anxiety that it almost felt like we're suffocating — drowning in all these uncleared feelings between us. I'm sorry it has come to this.

I hate that there's this unspoken tension between us whenever we meet, your guard is up and I'm left feeling guilty with what I did, to myself, to us. But there are times when you let your guard down and we fall back into the comfort of our familiar bliss, I silently clung on to those moments until they were just like how we were in the past. It became a cycle of highs and crushing lows, because I want to be with you but know too well that I can't be that person you wanted me to be.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of how I strongly feel for you. I'm scared that if we plunge into this relationship, one day you'll grew tired of me, just like everyone else, and eventually leave me. You were that constant thing in my life when things were crumbling down. You were my constant companion through all the heart aches I've had, and you were always there to pick up the broken pieces of myself.

Never in my life would I want to sacrifice the kind of bond we have, only to see things potentially go up in flames. I could never. You are far too important in my life. I can't lose you. I can't even bare to imagine it.

I don't blame you for being cold and distant. This is all on me. It pains me that while I was too focused on this fear of losing you, I was losing you.

This is why I'm writing this letter. Because I want to fix this. To fix us. I know the damage has been done, that perhaps we won't be able to go back to the place our relationship once was. But I want you to know that my feelings stay the same.

I love you.

On my birthday, you were the first one to say it. I can never forget the look in your eyes because no one has ever looked at me that way. You told me how you've always had these feelings lingering around but you just don't want to acknowledge it. Mainly because I was dating Gift and you are already contented with what we have and wouldn't want to jeopardize our friendship. But then we broke up, and you were there at my lowest and when I needed you the most. With us spending time almost everyday, blurring the line between being just friends or more, it just happened.

I realize that I was also in love with you.

I know we tried so hard to forget about it, the weights and pressure of our on-screen relationship taking a toll on both of us. We were stuck in this repetitive push and pull. We are just best friends but sometimes more. Maybe there's no logic to it at all. Maybe we have to take the logic out of love to simplify it for ourselves. Maybe we just need to let things happen, let them unfold in order to live our true happiness.

And we did. We were so happy.

Until you confessed and it all felt too real.

I panicked.

I ran away from you and desperately tried to go back to the last girl I attempted to have a relationship with after Gift. 

I know the heartbreak that sets in as the shock wears off and you realize that you did something so unforgiveable to the person you love the most. God, I can't forgive myself for hurting you. How can I forget the moment you confronted me about it. I was not thinking clearly that day and even got into an accident earlier that day. You were so worried about me and I snapped because how can you be so kind to someone so cruel as me. I want you to get mad at me, I provoked you. We fought with heavy hearts. We spoke words we couldn't take back. We broke each other.

We never talked about it since then, living behind a façade designed to conform the nature of our jobs. It felt like death. The distance between us, the expectations from everyone around us, the nagging pressure of fixing what's left for the sake of our work, that I sometimes wish we could step back and think clearly without the voice of other people.

Right now I am taking the risk. I am taking this step back, not because for our work or the people around us. I'm doing this for myself, for you, for us.

I love you.

I'd be lying when I say that I'm not afraid of what the future might bring us. But I learned my lesson the hard way, that fear is nothing compared to hurting and losing you at the same time.

Let me do things right again. I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. Please give me another chance to prove the sincerity of my heart.

If you're wondering where me and Kik stand, I broke it off immediately after our fight. She is still my friend though, my current confidant on things relating to you because she listens and understands.

Tay Tawan Vihokratana, I don't want to promise you anything. I am far from being perfect. I am only human that will continuously make stupid decisions and mistakes later on. I will probably hurt you one way or another. But I'm done thinking ahead of what's currently in front of me. Right now, you are the most important person in my life. Right now, I want to hold your hands and wrap you in my arms. Right now, I want to have these long conversations with you about nothing and everything. Right now, I want to escape with you somewhere across the globe. Right now, I want to kiss you and tell you you're mine.

Right now, I want to be your BF.

Not bestfriends, best food or whatever excuse we once had. I want it to be real this time. Boyfriends.

I love you Tay. I'm done running away from you. So please, run away with me?

                                                                                                   

                         Love,  
Hin


	2. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, love isn’t just enough. That is the ugly truth in the beauty of love.

To Tay,

 

It has been 3 months since I sent you the letter but never heard from you. I didn’t want to cross the line and just waited patiently for your answer. We were together almost everyday because of work and yet you feel so far away. Out of reach.

 

_I guess it’s too late._

 

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t wonder what you are up to, who are you with, wishing I could be that person by your side when I see your Instagram stories. Everyday I crumble down and blame myself for all the things that happened to us. A never-ending what ifs and what could haves. I couldn’t even count how many times I wished I could go back and do something different or somehow change things. Each passing day I look in the mirror and see a monster. I look at the internet and get the affirmation that I am indeed a monster.

It was a cycle of crushing lows and self-loathing.

I wake up in the morning, already dreading of the day that is to come. Like a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode but it never hits 0, but always so close.

I feel angry at myself for driving us to the wall. I feel miserable because I want you back in my life. I feel so ashamed that while it was me who pushed you away, it was also me who’s crawling back to you. I am mad at myself because I couldn’t find the courage to defend myself, tell them that they were wrong about me. I feel afraid that we can never go back to how things are before, that you can never forgive me.

And then I feel nothing, because I’m feeling everything all at once.

It was the darkest moment of my life.

I isolated myself from everyone because of the underlying feeling that I’m just not good: not good enough, not good at this, not good at that, not good at – or for –much of anything. I was unconsciously drawn to people who criticize and blame me because I got used to it – and it validates the negative beliefs I have about myself. It gave me a sense of purpose, something that drifts my mind away from you.

I knew I was broken, and I needed saving,

 

_But I will not heal by going back to what broke me._

 

In a room full of darkness, the littlest light shines the brightest.

You just have to have that person who will understand you with no judgement. Someone that will remind you that the mess behind you may be ugly and hurtful, but the possibilities which lay before you are beautiful and filled with hope. Someone who will tell you how you absolutely deserve beauty, love and hope in your life.

I needed that to be whole again.

I needed that to find love again.

Not to you or anyone else.

 

_But to myself._

 

Because while I was too busy chasing you **–** even so afraid that I was losing you, I was losing myself in the process. The pain and the happiness all end up in the same place. You were my pain. You were my happiness.

For the past months I was drowning in my own tears and sorrow, but I have made it to the surface and swimming back to the shore.

 

I am _healing_.

 

Self-love is not the anti-dote, it is the result, it comes naturally after healing has taken place.

I want you to know that I am not blaming you, I just needed myself back and if it takes freeing myself from you to get that, then I have to. I will savor our happy memories and store them deeply within my heart. I am the person that I am right now because of you.

 

I love you Tay, but this time I’m choosing myself.

Sometimes, love isn’t just enough. That is the ugly truth in the beauty of love.

Maybe someday our paths will cross again, I hope by that time we’ve grown to the best versions of ourselves, and maybe just maybe – _we could love again._

 

Sincerely,

New


End file.
